Tuesday, May 10, 2016


It's 4:30am.  I can't sleep for anything.  Panic ensues as my mind is flooded with past memories that are not pleasant to remember.  I can't control them as they rush in like a river and make me catch my breath.  People tell me that I can control my response to these thoughts, but sometimes it's nearly impossible.  It can totally encompass a person, make them feel small and incapable of doing anything, and cause them to be afraid that it might happen again.  It is a horrible feeling, one that is sometimes more intense than anything you have ever felt.

Stress, depression and panic attacks are real, and not something to take lightly.  Many people deal with one or more on a regular basis, which has lately been the case for me.  I often question my existence, and wonder why I have to be on this earth for more than I think is necessary.  Sometimes I seriously think people would be better off without me.  It's just too hard.  

"For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life ...and He will yet deliver us."
1 Corinthians 1:8, 10b

After reading this, it gives a spark of hope that maybe someday it will all be over...that He will deliver me from this deep affliction of chronic depression.  The thoughts are real, the memories will still be there but maybe I'll get a reprieve one of these days.  

You may wonder why I don't sound very positive, and that is because I'm really struggling.  Depression is no easy thing to go through. In fact, it has been the hardest thing I've dealt with yet.  It drains you physically, emotionally and mentally.  Some days are more of a struggle than others.  Some days I have more energy, while other days I can barely function.  Sometimes just too much noise will send me off into a tailspin.  It is amazing how hard it is to handle normal things that used to be easy.  The hardest part is that I am a Christian... so my first thought is: does this make me any less of a person or a Christian?  And the answer to that is no.  God loves me just the way I am, and even if it is a sad version of me His love will never change.  That is what I adore about the Lord... that struggles don't define a person, they shape a person.  It is there to make me stronger.  To build my character and who I am.  No matter how hard the struggle is, God will always be with me: especially when nobody else understands and I feel alone.

So these are just some real thoughts from a real person.  I hope now you can understand a little bit better what it's like to suffer from depression, stress and panic disorders.  That is usually the hardest thing for people... it's being misunderstood and belittled.  So please just be a listener instead of one who shames the other person.  And ask yourself how you can better yourself and be a blessing to others!

He is worthy and greatly to be praised

 Olivia Grace


  1. Olivia,

    I love your honesty and the way you look to the Lord in truth THROUGH the pain. Even amid the difficulties you face, you point to the reality that these trials are working in you for the good of your character. What faith!

    It reminds me of the phrase "is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory". I looked up that passage and it is 2 Cor 4...the whole thing reminds me of what you wrote. May it be an encouragement to you.

    May the Lord hold you fast as you walk through these dark memories. Just writing that word "darkness" brought to mind recent memory passages our family is mulling over from 1 John:

    God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.

    This darkness is so confusing, but none of it is from the Lord. I remind myself of that when I feel overwhelmed. And then I remember that He invites me to hide myself "in Him" where "there is no darkness at all", and I shall be held safely there. Is that not what it is to "abide in Him"? Oh may we, who are His own, safely abide in Him no matter the darkness that threatens to engulf us!

    I love you, Sister! And I pray for your continued healing as you walk this path with Jesus.

  2. I wanted to start by telling you that Michael and I love you very much. I appreciate your raw honesty and depiction of what you are going through. The biggest thing I struggle with is my bipolar 1 depression disorder. I have been lower than I could ever describe to you and alternately felt way too good to be "normal." It's been 11 years and the doctors are only now finding ways to help me through medicine so I don't go up too high or down to low. But the doctors aren't the ones driving the train. It's me. I have to get good sleep, take my medicine, drink lots of water and try to find times to myself and with the Lord. As a mom that is hard. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Just know there is an end in sight. It may not be as long as you think before you will find relief. It has been my experience that the struggles we face in our day to day lives really shape us and make us better for the next thing the Lord allows us to go through. Just know you are not alone. My heart resonated with your writing. I wanted to leave you with one song/verse. I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb,I will lift my eyes to the color of the oceans raging wild, I will lift my eyes... my eyes. To You. Keep your focus on Him! He will help you. I just know it. Love you sister!