Wednesday, August 24, 2016

A Poem of Grief

This is Puget Sound, about 3 miles walk from where I'm staying.

This is just my second week into this program, and many tears have been shed because of things I'm learning, things that are happening, judgment that has been issued, and ways of pain I can't describe.  Here is a poem I wrote yesterday as the feelings were raw and my heart was hurting.  Mind you, I never write poems, so I can't say it's very good.  But I wanted to share it with you as you are all part of my journey to healing.

My emotions are raw,
my feelings are deep.
The weight of this burden 
is too great for me.

My heart is in pain,
my feet are in shackles.
The grief that I bear
comes with tears & ashes.

The heart in my soul
has been shattered in pieces,
and my innermost being
longs for that unspoken Jesus.

I have held the hurt too long,
that the tears flood the ocean.
The agony in my soul 
has been abruptly set to motion.

The rain comes as a flood,
the sun refuses to shine;
But the pain that I feel
is most assuredly mine.

My value is gone,
my worth is no longer.
Lord God have mercy!
I wish I were stronger.

My soul longs for peace,
reassurance and comfort.
But it only comes
as if it were a muffler.

My health problems are my identity 
so much hurt comes from that.
I've been criticized and judged
at the drop of a hat.

My life is in ruins,
my beliefs been scorched.
I just want somebody else,
to carry my torch.

I'm tired and weary
from all life's distress.
My eyes are heavy 
as people "wish me the best."

Fear and rejection
are all on my list.
I wish they'd all go 
in the early mornings mist.

As I lay here feeling
shame and regret,
I often wonder...
is there a "what's next"?

A huge thing I've learned while being here, is that I haven't properly grieved for certain things in my life that have happened or have been taken away from me.  You don't have to loose someone in a death in order for you to be one with grief. It could be the loss of a friendship, the loss of your childhood, the grief felt in conflict and judgement.  But grief, pain and heartbreak have been the strongest of emotions the last week or so.  I'm not saying this for you to be sorry for me, but to let you know that healing doesn't come overnight.  It's a process, and a long one at that.

One thing I was struck by, was this quote that was shared in one of my first classes:

"You will never fulfill your God-given potential,
until forgiveness is 

So as you continue your life, wherever you might be, just know that healing isn't just for me.  Everyone needs healing in one way or other, and I hope that you don't become discouraged at the length it takes for mental, emotional, and spiritual health to come together.

God's blessings on you, and I ask that you would continue to pray for me in this hard road to recovery.  I will share more (including pictures) at a later time, but for now, goodnight!

 He is worthy and greatly to be praised

 Olivia Grace