I'm sorry I've somewhat neglected this blog for almost a month, but I have been dealing with a struggle I never imagined would be so hard. Yes, it's another health one. Sometimes, I just don't understand why I can't be normal and live like everyone else, with no pain, heartache, physical issues, etc.
But then I realize despite how hard it is, that God has promised us that "normal" life when we get to heaven.
"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,
"Now the dwelling of God is with men,
and He will live with them.
They will be His people, and God
Himself will be with them and be their God.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning
or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away."
For those who are in Christ Jesus, and know Him and love Him as their personal Savior, this is the best promise anyone could ask for. This God specifically planned as our Loving Father. In His heart, I know that the sorrows of this life to us, are just as sorrowful to Him. He doesn't desire there to be pain and suffering, kidnappings and deaths, wars and mental trauma, accidents and shootings. When He made the world and Adam and Eve in His own image, I'm not sure these sufferings were on His mind. In His heart, He wants us to be happy and full of life, loving and caring, at peace of heart and mind, knowing Christ and living to the fullest. The cool part? We still can! Despite everything that is going on in your life and the world around you, you can still be happy. full of life. loving. caring. at peace in your heart and mind. knowing Christ. living to the fullest. There is nothing that is holding you back from these things!
Would we not be such self-centered people, this would be a breeze. However, as sinners and humans of this life, we easily put up walls of suffering in front of us...that being all we can see. How can we look past this wall? Look up. That is the ONLY way you can find peace and joy. Look up to Jesus. Who suffered and died for you, that you may have life and life abundant. The One that writes in 1 Corinthians:
"He will keep you strong to the end, so that you
will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus
God, who has called you into fellowship
with His Son Jesus Christ our Lord
(ch. 1 vs 8-9)
Yes, there is still pain and sorrows, but even more, there is a God who loves you unconditionally and has the best plan for your life. And even though God does not like the sufferings of this world, He will use it to mature and strengthen His Children. Just remember to look to Him.
So about 5 weeks ago, I started having issues with violent jerking. I've dealt with twitching before, but nothing like this. My whole body was involved, suddenly jerking into a fetal position every few minutes. It started while I was volunteering with an ambulance company in Mesquite. They kind of panicked, and tried to get me to go into the hospital. I vehemently refused, telling them I've had stuff similar to this happen before…just not so violent. I was on a twin bed, and almost fell off multiple times. Thankfully I won the argument, and was a crazy jerk for about an hour both running calls, and on the bed at the station. I was so worn out though. And we ran calls all night long. Periodically I would flail my body once or twice, during the night and in the morning. So strange and unusual. But maybe I just needed sleep, and would resume my normal life in the next day or two.
Me (top) and the ambulance I worked in (below)
However, it gradually got worse. I had multiple violent episodes later that week, lasting for about an hour at a time. About a week later, it started happening twice a day for an hour each. A little while later, it came once a day for 4 hours. And then a week ago, I started having two 4 hour jerking episodes a day. In case you haven't learned addition yet, that is a grand total of 8 hours a day. Laying on the couch being a jerk. Trying not to hurt myself. Not able to drive. Having to get up early to get things done before I started having one at 1:00pm until bed, with an hour break in-between. Felling totally exhausted. Cramped up. Sore to the point of thinking I had a fever. Having a headache all the time. Not able to get much accomplished. Missing having dinner with my family for 3 weeks.
So I saw a neurologist the end of October, and he ordered an EEG. A week later, we had the company show up at our house, hook me up to a ton of electrodes, putting pigtails in my hair, drawing X's on my head, putting tape everywhere, and making me look like a dork. It was a 14 hour long study from 4pm 'til 5:30am the next morning. I had to have a camera on me at all times, so I was constantly being watched. Talk about awkward! If you don't know what an EEG is, it is where they place certain electrodes in certain spots on your head, face, and chest to measure your brain waves and heart rate; seeing if there is any abnormality in it all. Trying to find epilepsy, or something like that.
I obviously had an episode while hooked up, and then had to try and sleep that night with a camera light on me. Praying the whole time that something would show up in the study. At 5:30 in the morning, the company came back to unhook me, and try not to rip out my hair with the tape (unsuccessfully).
Then, I had to wait another week before getting the results and seeing the doctor. The appointment was set for November 13th. Yesterday. Expectantly, my mom, sister and I walked in to his office hoping to get some medicine to control this jerking, and therefore get my life back. I was even having an episode in his office. The day had come. But the news we heard next, was unexpected, shocking, and maddening. "I'm sorry. But I can't help you. Your EEG looks normal, and there is seriously nothing I can give you to help this. It is not neurologically related." WHAT?! How is that possible? How can something this bad not show up in my brain? It makes no sense. At. All. He told me to try and live my life as best as I can doing things, even while jerking. He said he thinks it is my body's way of dealing with some type of stress, and wants me to see a Neuro-Psychiatrist. Yeah right! He said they may be Psychological Non-Epileptic Spells (PNES). He told me he knows I'm not making them up, but it is not epilepsy related and therefore has to be related to stress. But really, how many people do you know that is stressed and walking around jerking for 8 hours a day?! Yes, stress could be playing a part in this, but it literally cannot be the only cause. So, we're back to square one. I'm still jerking (even while typing this), I have no answers, diagnosis, and nowhere to go next. We are not going to this Psychiatrist, because whoever this person is doesn't need to know my whole life, all my problems, and tell me how to handle them. They also don't need to be putting me on "feel good" antidepressants, when I have a Jesus I can talk to about my problems! He can give me true peace, if that is what I need.
So to say the least, it has been a really rough couple of weeks especially with this "I can't help you" news. I can easily get upset about this whole thing, and I do, sad to say. There have been many tears shed over the trials of this life. And yet, I have had so many people praying for me, and encouraging me in the Word as I try and get through whatever lies ahead.
Some of the verses I have been given and blessed by:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean
not on your own understanding,
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight."
"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me;
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me."
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now
for a little while you may have had to
suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
These have come so that your faith--
of greater worth than gold, which
perishes even though refined by fire--
may be proved genuine and may
result in praise, glory and honor
when Jesus Christ is revealed."
~1 Peter 1:6-7
These trials in life are so that my faith, which is even greater than gold, may be proved genuine, and may give God the glory and honor that is due His Name. This is so that I can grow, and learn how to fully depend on my Savior. So I can mature into a beautiful flower for His glory. And in the midst of this, I can also learn to live life with an abundant joy. An indescribable peace. Full of life. With love and compassion. Why? Because I have a Savior. A Wonderful Merciful Savior. A Redeemer. A Friend. A Father who takes joy in me. A Jesus who died that I may live. And I am His Bride. His Child. His Daughter. And just like a father takes care of his children, so my Heavenly Father is taking care of me. And He will continue to do so as I put my full trust, dependance, and life in His hands. This is His plan, no matter how difficult. This is my Daddy and I will love Him with all my heart, until I go to be with Him forever.
He is worthy and greatly to be praised