Worry

We are currently in a season of pure chaos and panic right now.  Some people don't believe there is anything to worry about, some people think the world is ending.  And some people don't even know what to think.  But with this new Corona virus, it has caused sure havoc among many people.

I spoke to a friend about it the other day, and was just telling him how sad I am at what this panic is doing to people.  Many are losing their jobs because stores are shutting down to prevent the spread of this virus.  No one knows how long this is going to last, and no one knows what to do.  It grieved me to see so many people hurting both physically and financially. 

But then, my friend told me about the good things that are coming out of this pandemic.  More believers are able to speak freely about Christ.  People are coming together and helping each other.  Friendships are being built.  The gospel is going forth.  Abortion clinics are being shut down, saving the lives of countless babies.  Really good things are happening.

To be honest, all I could see was the bad.  I hadn't seen the good until my friend pointed it out.  Because listen, the tendency is to worry.  To be filled with fear.  To focus on the negative things.  Today I even felt sick to my stomach because of how scared I was...not of the virus itself but because of how people have been responding to it.  To the point that I thought I might puke. 

But then God put a reminder on my heart of a verse in the Bible that says, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34  It's a verse I grew up hearing, but only now am really understanding the true meaning of it.  It's essentially telling us to not worry about the future, because it doesn't help anything, and because we should know that God will provide for us just like He provides for the sparrows.  Everything WILL work out in God's timing. 

Plus the Lord promises to watch over you...in fact He says it five times in Psalm 121.  Just listen to these words and let it flood over your soul filling you with Peace...

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains --

where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD, 

the maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip --

He who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, He who watches over Israel 

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you --

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm -- 

He will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming 

and going

both now and forevermore.

Ahh!  What beautiful words.  In a time of chaos we can find peace.  We can rest in knowing that He will take care of us and provide what we need.  We don't have to worry about tomorrow...because God has already taken care of tomorrow before we even experienced it.  So I would encourage you to not fear but to find your peace and comfort in Him.  To look back at God's faithfulness in the storms.  To bask in His goodness.  To just focus on today, and the here and now.  And keep pressing on.

In His Arms,

Olivia Lodi

Pain

From what I can remember, my life has almost always been filled with pain in some form or another.  Whether it be physical pain, or emotional pain, it's always been part of me.  I have struggled to accept the way God planned my life, because I never understood why God would allow so much pain and suffering to come upon myself and those around me.  I hurt too much.  I've always felt like it was more than I could bear and been frustrated with why God thought I could handle it.

It wasn't until yesterday as I was journaling that it dawned on me that I never looked at pain the right way.  First of all, God talks in the Bible about how there will be pain and suffering in this world and to not be surprised when we go through trials. In 1 Peter 4:12-13 he says this,

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed."

John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."

I don't know why I've never put two and two together.  God TELLS us that it's going to happen...so why am I shocked that I'm going through hard painful trials?  None of the Believers in the Bible had it easy either so why would I be any different?  David was in hiding and had people trying to kill him but he knew.  "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."  Psalm 119:71  Moses was stranded in a desert and was never able to enter the promise land, yet he still followed God.  Job endured some of the most horrific of trials but he stood firm in his faith and trusted God even though his friends told him to do otherwise.  "At least I can take comfort in this: despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One."  Job 6:10  Paul was put in prison, was stoned, was shipwrecked, and many other things, but that never stopped him from sharing the Good News of Christ.  God knew that there would be suffering and affliction.  And He told us it was going to happen.

But He didn't leave us to suffer on our own.  He gave us hope to look to when we go through pain and hardship.  He made us promises.

"A righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:19

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

"And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."  1 Corinthians 4:8-9

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

God Himself is with us in our suffering.  When it feels like it's too much to bear, that's because it is.  That is when we are supposed to lean on Christ and take His yoke upon ourselves for His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  He IS our only hope.  Sometimes He is all we have, and yet He is all we need. 

Pain is also part of the fall.  It is normal to experience pain because sin has cursed the Earth and suffering is a side effect of sin.  It shouldn't be a surprise to us when we encounter hurt and affliction because that is something that is a part of our world due to the fall.

Pain is a good thing.  If we didn't go through pain, we wouldn't appreciate healing and relief.  If we didn't experience pain, we wouldn't know that something was wrong and would continue damaging ourselves as a result. 

As I journaled on my computer, I almost started writing..."I don't understand why God thinks it's okay for me to go through this much suffering."  But I soon realized how selfish that was.  First of all, God warned us that we would encounter hardships and that going through life wouldn't be easy.  Second of all, God promised that He would be with us in our storm and that He would deliver us from it.  That suffering would grow us.  That pain would cause us to turn our eyes to Him.  Third of all, God Himself experienced pain.  In fact He went through the most excruciating pain imaginable...both physically and emotionally.  And He did it so that way I could have life and have it abundantly.

"For Christ suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.  He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit." 1 Peter 3:18

"He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.  Like one from whom people hide their faces He was despised, and we held Him in low esteem."  Isaiah 53:3

He understands my pain.  He knows what it's like to go through suffering, to an even greater extent then I can fathom and I can rest in Him knowing that He understands.

And lastly, trials and affliction make heaven all the more exciting.  As a believer, I have something to look forward to, a hope that one day things will be new.  The pain will be gone.  I will be rejoicing and dancing with the Father.  Death will no longer be part of life, but rather life will be restored. 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  Revelation 21:4

There is hope. 

Pain is part of life.  Suffering grows us.  Hardship makes us turn to Christ.  And God is there in the midst of it all.  He is there empathizing with you.  He is restoring you.  He will deliver you.  That doesn't make suffering easy to handle, but it at least gives us a hope to hold on to.

So as I sit here in constant horrible pain and hurting emotionally, I can only look to Jesus for help and comfort.  I can only cry out to the One who understands suffering.  And to be honest it's easier said then done, but I'm trying.  I need Him.  I have nothing left in me.  I can no longer do this on my own.  My hope is that with this new found realization of hardship, that it will gradually change my perspective on pain and that my trust in Him will grow.  And may this show you that pain is a part of life, and something that you can only bear with help from the Father.  Something that Christ Himself is acquainted with.  May you look at the end of the finish line, running with hope that one day all things will become new, that pain and death will pass away, and that you will be sitting at the feet of Jesus.

                                                                 In His Arms,
                                                              Olivia Grace  

Coping and Mental Illness

TRIGGER WARNING: contains graphic images and mild blood

I went to The Porch yesterday at Watermark church and the message was on what we do to cope.  It was very difficult to get through the sermon because of all the memories I was having during that time.  It actually caused me to have a bit of a panic attack.  But none the less it was still very good and needed to be heard. 

Most if not all of us have struggles or traumas in our past that we have pushed deep down, and are using or doing things to cope and numb our feelings.  It hurts too much to deal and process.  So we try other ways to numb the pain.  To forget what we went through.  To hide from reality.

So what are some of the coping methods?  Well, some people do drugs.  Others mask their problems with medication.  Some use pornography.  Others use social media.  Some people do self harm.  Others struggle with eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia.  And the list goes on and on.  Most people think yeah it's not the best idea to be doing this, but they don't realize the seriousness of their problem. 

There are three points that were made last night that addresses coping problems.  The first point is Admit.  You have to admit that there is an issue or struggle or trauma before you can do anything.  And that healing, requires revealing.  In order to begin the healing process you have to reveal what the problem is deep down.  You have to face it. 

The second point is Allow others in.  Telling people what happened to you, or what you're struggling with is a huge and necessary step.  You need support as you walk through this.  You need people around you who can speak truth into your life.  Because when you know the truth, you are able to identify the lies.  You are not meant to carry this burden alone.  That is when the body of Christ steps in to help you as you admit your problem, process, grieve, and come out restored on the other side.  Because God is in the business of restoration!  He wants to see you restored.  Freed from the coping methods that are hurting you more. 

The third point is Address the root.  Finding out what deep down is hurting you more than ever will allow you to face it and process through what happened.  It may be a memory from your childhood.  Your parents divorce.  A feeling that you'll never get that desired approval from your mom and dad that you've always wanted.  It could be a death of a friend or family member that rocked your world.  Maybe you were taken advantage of or abused.  A church you grew up in that was manipulative and emotionally scarring.  It could be anything.  But address the problem and process through it.  Processing with a counselor or a friend will help you heal from it.  And always remember that you can run to Jesus!  He is the ultimate healer and restorer of your life.  Talk to Him about it and find rest in His Spirit.  Stop walking around hurt, wounded, and limping, and start admitting, processing, and healing.  We ARE the image of Christ!  Wouldn't it be better to walk around with true radiant joy, shining the light of Jesus, and showering God's desire for healing and restoration around the world?

Now is the hard part for me.  I am going to admit my coping problem to my readers in attempts to heal from it.  And in hopes that I can show that people who struggle with this that they are not alone.  Because of things that happened in my childhood until now, I've dealt with coping and numbing by self harm.  I did it pretty consistently for about a month a few years ago, and had eventually got a tattoo over the scars as a reminder of what I went through and who I was in Christ.  A warrior.  It wasn't until this past December that I started dealing with it again.  Between not being able to work at my job because of an injury, to feeling depressed and alone, to having a friend and family member pass away, to being in constant pain and having to do physical therapy...it all added up and was too much for me. 

So I resorted to doing self harm. 

Cutting was a way to be in control of something and to relieve the mental pain I was in.  It was my way of distracting myself.  Even now it's a struggle not to do it and I am working with a counselor to try and process through things to get to a point where I don't feel like I "have" to do it.  It's hard.  And it's been a secret from most of the world since it all started in December.  It's something I hide.  But now after hearing that message last night, and having a panic attack because of the memories, I've felt like it's something I needed to admit.  Something that I need accountability for.  As you can see, I've already been in the hospital for an infection...and yet somehow I still have the desire to cut.

It is not an easy thing to go through trauma, PTSD, and constant struggle and process through it all.  In fact it's one of the hardest things to face.  And I wish it wasn't so difficult.  I wish healing came easy, but it most definitely doesn't.  But as I try and process through what happened in the past, and try to find healthier ways to cope while I try a heal, I hope that you too will look at your life, admit what the problem is, allow others into your life, and address the root of the issue.  I hope that through Christ and His plan you will find healing and restoration.  That you too will become free from a life of coping in ways that hurt you more.  That in His grace and mercy you will be filled with the joy of Him Who created joy.  And may you be filled with a hope you can't deny, and a peace you can't contain.

                                                                     In His Arms,
                                                                    Olivia Grace 

Decisions of a Lifetime

Watermark Church 01/21/2020

Decisions.  What kind are you making?  Good ones?  Bad ones?  Did you know that EVERY decision you make impacts your life?  Every single choice will either reap negative fruit or positive fruit.  And all decisions you make come with a cost.

Something I thought about as I heard this was a few very poor decisions I made not too long ago.  It impacted my friends.  It impacted my family.  It impacted myself.  It was decisions that I had made without thinking of the consequences.  Sure I was struggling mentally, and it made sense that I would choose that path, but it was a destructive one.  Two decisions that impacted my lifetime.  That produced a negative fruit.  It is now part of my story.  In fact every decision you make ends up being part of your life story.

So are you writing a story that you want to look back on?

We definitely make mistakes.  We're bound to.  It's part of the fall.  But it is our job to surrender DAILY at the cross of Jesus and pray for God's help to make better choices.  To make good decisions that will impact our future.  If you think oh I'll do that later, I like where I'm at...NO.  You need to get serious about God NOW.  Don't wait to surrender.  Don't wait to make good decisions.  Don't wait to ask God for help.  Do it today.

Recently I've actually been growing in Christ.  My physical situation has laid me before the Lord crying out for help.  Right now I actually enjoy reading scripture verses that friends send to me.  I enjoy listening to podcasts on the armor of God.  I enjoy going to church and learning new things in the Word of God.  I enjoy watching as God speaks to me and feeling His presence looking over me.  I now can't wait to hear from God.  I can't wait to grow more.  And I cry every time!  Whereas before, even three months ago, I was not in a place anywhere near that.  It was always a burden to try and hear from God.  I tried to do things mainly on my own.  I didn't really care about the Bible and didn't even think to look things up.  But now it's different.

And mind you, I'm not totally engrossed in the Word of God or anything.  I am wanting to grow more.  But the desire that God has placed on my heart has been for Him, and I am very grateful for that.  It's really refreshing to be growing in Christ!  Slowly but surely God has been showing me areas of my life that need to be changed.  Or showing me ways that I can grow.  Always convicting.  This is a positive fruit that I am noticing in my life.  And it's encouraging.

THIS my friends is my desire for all my decisions to go.  To be full of Jesus and Him only.  But it's not easy.  It's very difficult especially since we are sin filled people.  However, it IS possible if we surrender at the feet of Jesus every single day, and really think before we make a decision.  Look into your life and rid yourself of anything toxic or harmful for you.  Get rid of the things that are making you stumble.  Cry out to God for help and wisdom...and He WILL answer you.  Make good decisions that impact your lifetime.

I thought this was interesting.  Apparently the word "fool" in the Bible means someone who is still walking in sin when they know it's wrong, or someone who thinks that they are an "exception" to the sin.  Let me warn you, DO NOT BE A FOOL!  Don't be unwise in your decision making.  Don't give in to sin.  Sin easily entraps and snares.  My friend, don't be a fool.

Instead pray for positive fruit.  The seeds that you sow in your life will grow and produce fruit... it will reap a harvest.  So what kind of fruit are you harvesting?

Let me end this blog post with a verse from Galatians:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the
proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give
up."  --Galatians 6:9

                                                                    In His Arms,
                                                                       Olivia Grace

Prayer in faith

Prayer is a hard thing for me.  And frankly, I rarely pray.  When I do, it's always a "shock".  I've had a bad experience with prayer and have been afraid to participate in that kind of communication with God, because He might not listen...or so I thought. 

Recently, I actually did pray for something in my personal life and saw the answer to that prayer later on.  I was dumbfounded.  God used that to show me that He is listening; that He does care.  I still have fears that can sometimes be irrational, but my experience in seeing a response put some of that fear in the trash.  I can't explain well enough how that changed my perspective on prayer.

Growing up, I was a believer with pure childlike faith.  I knew how to pray and did so often, though I was also taught the wrong way in ministry.  I tried so hard to be in tune to Gods will and have faith.  There were a lot of prayers I prayed that were not answered like I thought they would, which frustrated me to no end because I blamed myself.  I believed that I was somehow not in tune with God's will, and therefore was somehow less of a Christian because of it.  However, I don't think I  understood what faith really meant.  I thought it meant belief that what I asked was going to happen...but I don't think prayer works that way. 

               faith
               complete trust or confidence in someone or something

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I personally believe praying in faith means praying with confidence in the person of God.  Praying with confidence that the person (God) will answer according to what He believes is fitting for us.  Believing and trusting in the Godhead, the Trinity, knowing that His plan is only the best, is the only option for us.  You can't have faith in the thing that you are asking for, no matter how Christ centered you believe you're being...unless it is written in God's story for your life, you can't expect it to happen.  But believing and trusting in the Writer of your story...that's when you know you have confidence in the right thing.

I'm not perfect and I still don't fully understand how prayer works, but I'm learning.  I'm in no way saying you should stop praying for things, because I mean God specifically says to ask, seek, and knock!  Just make sure you have faith in the person not the prayer.  And remember that He will answer according to His will.  Remember that prayer is just a conversation with your Creator.  It's like talking to your best friend.  And it's a beautiful and incredible privilege to get to talk with the same person who Created the entire universe!  How special and undeserving are we. 

                                                                  In His Arms,
                                                            Olivia Grace

God Is Chasing You

Watermark Church - The Porch

When I went to the Porch on Tuesday night, I didn't expect to be impacted.  But I was.  David Marvin was going through the bloodline of Jesus Christ starting with Adam and Eve and talking about how we were made in the image of the Trinity, how we were created to connect to God, and how temptation calls God's Word into question.  We know that we're in temptation because we try and justify the sin, questioning God's Word and attempting to make what we're doing seem okay

Then, sin brings separation from God.

The separation because of sin saddens our Father because we were made to connect with Him.  One of the stories David mentioned was about his daughter.  He was at the store with his two kids and had one son running off in one direction, and his 1 1/2 year old daughter running in the other direction.  David was yelling at his son to come back and his daughter to stop.  She was going towards a piece of popcorn on the floor and wouldn't listen.  She picked up the popcorn, put it in her mouth, and then began choking.  Her face was changing colors and he began patting her on the back trying to get the popcorn out to help her breathe again.  David suddenly wasn't angry at his daughters disobedience, but rather concerned about the result of the disobedience.  In the same way, God is concerned about the outcome of our sin.  He is not standing around angry, but instead deeply concerned and saddened, desiring to help you.  I can't imagine what it's like to be the God of the Universe and have the one thing that He loved most -walking and talking with us in the garden- broken because of sin.  Now we have a separation every time we disobey and we have to go back to Him in repentance all the time.  But the beautiful picture is that He doesn't just leave us in our sin.  He comes after us...

The last image David gave was this.  When you hear a siren you look to see where it's coming from.  If it's a police car, you become worried and scared that they are coming after you.  But if you've been in an accident and hear a siren you are relieved because they are coming to help you.  The same goes with God.  He is not coming to get you.  He is chasing after you to help you.  He doesn't want you to stay in sin, but to grow and look to Him.  If God is chasing you to help you, the question is are you running away from Him or running to Him?

Truth be told, I've been running away from God.  I haven't seen Him because I haven't been looking.  I haven't found Him because I haven't been seeking.  And ever since that message last night I've been saddened to think that God has been chasing me trying to help, and all I've been doing is missing Him.  Because of fear.  Because I didn't think to look.  And now I get the chance to go back to Him, to seek and to find, to run towards Him.  What will you choose today?

                                                               In His arms,
                                                          Olivia Grace

A Poem of Grief

This is Puget Sound, about 3 miles walk from where I'm staying.

This is just my second week into this program, and many tears have been shed because of things I'm learning, things that are happening, judgment that has been issued, and ways of pain I can't describe.  Here is a poem I wrote yesterday as the feelings were raw and my heart was hurting.  Mind you, I never write poems, so I can't say it's very good.  But I wanted to share it with you as you are all part of my journey to healing.

My emotions are raw,

my feelings are deep.

The weight of this burden 

is too great for me.

My heart is in pain,

my feet are in shackles.

The grief that I bear

comes with tears & ashes.

The heart in my soul

has been shattered in pieces,

and my innermost being

longs for that unspoken Jesus.

I have held the hurt too long,

that the tears flood the ocean.

The agony in my soul 

has been abruptly set to motion.

The rain comes as a flood,

the sun refuses to shine;

But the pain that I feel

is most assuredly mine.

My value is gone,

my worth is no longer.

Lord God have mercy!

I wish I were stronger.

My soul longs for peace,

reassurance and comfort.

But it only comes

as if it were a muffler.

My health problems are my identity 

so much hurt comes from that.

I've been criticized and judged

at the drop of a hat.

My life is in ruins,

my beliefs been scorched.

I just want somebody else,

to carry my torch.

I'm tired and weary

from all life's distress.

My eyes are heavy 

as people "wish me the best."

Fear and rejection

are all on my list.

I wish they'd all go 

in the early mornings mist.

As I lay here feeling

shame and regret,

I often wonder...

is there a "what's next"?

A huge thing I've learned while being here, is that I haven't properly grieved for certain things in my life that have happened or have been taken away from me.  You don't have to loose someone in a death in order for you to be one with grief. It could be the loss of a friendship, the loss of your childhood, the grief felt in conflict and judgement.  But grief, pain and heartbreak have been the strongest of emotions the last week or so.  I'm not saying this for you to be sorry for me, but to let you know that healing doesn't come overnight.  It's a process, and a long one at that.

One thing I was struck by, was this quote that was shared in one of my first classes:

"You will never fulfill your God-given potential,

until forgiveness is 

MADE A PRIORITY."

~Rex

So as you continue your life, wherever you might be, just know that healing isn't just for me.  Everyone needs healing in one way or other, and I hope that you don't become discouraged at the length it takes for mental, emotional, and spiritual health to come together.

God's blessings on you, and I ask that you would continue to pray for me in this hard road to recovery.  I will share more (including pictures) at a later time, but for now, goodnight!

 He is worthy and greatly to be praised

 Olivia Grace