Christ and the Cross

 The Lord is One masterful artist who molds and shapes our heart that was once stone cold towards Him, and now is being transformed day by day into a beautiful piece of art.  Sometimes we fail to see His work in us, but it is there and something we must keep in mind on our Journey Heavenward.  The road, like for probably many of you, has been a rough and ragged one the last couple months.  Sometimes it felt like I was rolling downhill and needed Christ to catch me, pointing me in the right direction.

Throughout that journey thus far, there were people in my life who were graciously pointing out sin in my heart and ways that I could grow in in the Lord.  It pained my heart at the time and for most I became an emotional wreck as I tried to process through what was being said.  I was hurt that I had hurt others without meaning to, and pained to know that I had been blind to my own flesh and sin.

Through much prayer and thinking I began to realize my sin and repent of it.  I cannot say it was some easy one and done thing because it was not.  My pride had to be knocked over.  My self-centeredness slapped in the face.  I couldn't come to the throne of God with any ounce of "me" in there.  I saw how blind I was to others.  I thought I cared.  I thought I was doing pretty good as a Christian.  I thought I tried hard enough.  But do you know what is wrong with each of those statements?  The letter 'i".  There is no Christ-centeredness in any of those. 

In my head I was doing good enough.  In my head I was focused on Christ.  But the truth is that my heart was the problem.  My heart was focused on myself.  My heart was making Christianity a "works-based" religion.  My heart was filled with pride.  Ironically I was too prideful to admit that though!

The Lord and His mercy has since shown me these things and I am grateful to be free from them because of the cross.  This past Sunday through the sermon, communion, and talking with a friend, I began to realize my desperate need for Christ and the Cross.  All I need is Christ.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Just Himself.  I thought I also needed the body of Christ, or the church, but no.  He alone IS sufficient.  The body of Christ is there to encourage you and point you towards the Maker.  So in the end, you'll end up turning to Him anyways.  Wouldn't it be so much better though if you just went to the Lord first in every area of your life?  He is your first love!

We all desperately need Christ.  And instead of turning to what we've done or how good we look, why don't we choose to run to the cross?  To fix our gaze on Christ.  He freely gives grace and forgiveness...just repent of your sins and believe.  We who are believers in Christ are no longer bound by the law or by sin, but are free under grace! What a wonderful gift.  

This week my goal is to-by God's grace-keep my gaze on Christ and the cross, and not let anything hinder it.  I want Christ to be at the center of my life...not the other way around.  I want to find that joy that comes from just knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  When you leave your burden of sin, pride, selfishness, and bondage behind at the foot of the cross, the Lord really does flood your soul with a new kind of joy unlike before.  The craving for His Word increases and your perspective on life may be quite different.  It is a change in my life that I am grateful for.  A change that I pray will not grow cold.  

    "I want to know Christ-yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."

    -Philippians 3:10-11

My prayer is that for you too, the Lord will mold you more into His image and that you will realize your need for Christ and the Cross.  You've been forgiven.  Now walk in it.  The Lord sees your heart and knows your attitude so there is nothing you can hide from Him.  Repent my friend.  Trust and believe.  Walk in His ways.  And turn the focus back onto Christ, the center of it all.

In His Arms,

Olivia Lodi

Seizure News

 It's been over a year since I've posted on here, but I thought it would be a good place to collect my thoughts, process the test results, and give you all a health update.  As most of you have followed my journey, you know that the last six weeks have been jam packed with hospital admittance's, seizures, and other various issues.  Now here I go to try and summarize what happened...

In December of 2020 I started the month out with a pretty good concussion and began January with a bad case of Covid.  I was in and out of the hospital for it as it effected my lungs so badly.  In the recovery time period as I went back to work, I had to have restrictions placed by my doctor because the vertigo and migraines were a difficult side effect to handle every day.  By March I was having nightly seizures that would last up to two hours at a time.  It came to a point that I would have to lay in the backseat of my car after work since I knew I wouldn't be able to make it home and be seizing for hours, recover, and try and make it home a little while later.  I was constantly hurting myself by punching my knuckles on the car window in an uncontrolled seize.  I would come out of it in tears, frustrated and not knowing what to do.  I assumed these were the previously diagnosed Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures (PNES) and knew there was nothing that could be done besides just managing my stress levels which I was doing my very best to do.  

One evening I hit my head while having a seizure in the car and ended up in the ER the next day because of my concussive symptoms, and the fact that the seizure frequency was picking up.  I was admitted and had extensive EEG (brain wave) monitoring done.  By the end of the week there, the doctors determined that I did in fact have epilepsy...something I never thought I'd hear again.  They put me on an anti-epileptic medication which worked for about four days and then it was back.  Only this time I would have eight to ten seizures at a time.  Easter rolls around, and I ended up hitting my head really hard multiple times while seizing, coming out of it with a splitting migraine.  The next day I was back in the ER having multiple seizures every 20-30 minutes with the doctors unable to get them under control.  I don't remember four of the six days I was there because of all the seizing and medication.  The guess is that I had about a hundred seizures in one week.  Halfway through my stay in the hospital the doctors came in and told me that the previous EEG was not read correctly and that I in fact did NOT have epilepsy but instead the same previous diagnosis of the Psychogenic Seizures.  I instantly burst into tears knowing that we were back to square one; to an untreatable diagnosis; to what now would be a life of constant seizing.  How would I be able to live any sort of life having seizures every thirty minutes?  The Lord was present even there in my doubting, anxious heart, sorting out the details, and giving the doctors wisdom on what to do next.  Instead of sending me home seizing (like they did years ago when I was first diagnosed), my doctors brainstormed, changed up a good chunk of my medications, and were able to stabilize me before letting me go.  

I was wonderfully blessed with a whole week without seizures, and then went in to a different hospital for more extensive monitoring and testing for another week.  This is where I began to understand my diagnosis in a way I never understood before.  I was hooked up to another EEG machine in the EMU (epileptic monitoring unit) this time for five days, with electrodes super glued to my head, as the doctors tried to induce my seizures so they could capture the events I was having.   They decreased my medication, did strobe lights, and even considered hyperventilation...except that I was already having multiple seizures as it was.  Mind you, I had had a migraine pretty much every day since I had hit my head on Easter three weeks prior so they had been trying to manage that during my time there.  

Dr Jeffery was my doctor with an Australian accent who came in to check on me every day and ask questions on how I was doing.  The day before I left (which was yesterday), Dr Jeffery would explain the findings and help me understand my condition.  This I what I would like to share with you as well.  He likes to call them Psycogenic Nonepileptic Events (PNEE) so as not to get it confused with epilepsy form seizures.  Basically there is a loose connection between my emotions and my motor control functions in my brain.  In a normal human being, when triggered or experiencing a difficult situation, they will be able to take those thoughts, rationalize them, maybe tell themselves to calm down, and slow down that fight or flight response.  However, in someone who has PNEE, they don't have the ability to rationalize these thoughts because of this loose connection and this trigger or situation causes a complete switch from the emotions part of the brain, to the motor control functions part, causing an uncontrolled event due to a fight or flight response.  This can be caused by past trauma from six months, to one year, to ten years later.  However, some people who have this disorder did not have an abusive upbringing or traumatic event; though it isn't very common.  So it can literally affect anyone.  The interesting thing was that he said if he were to trigger me now, he could talk me through the issue but I would most likely still have the seizure because of the fact that it had already made that switch.  He acknowledged that these types of events I'm having are not at all in my control, which I appreciated because most doctors don't even know what PNEE is, let alone know that you're not faking it for attention.   They are coming from a certain part of your brain...something you have no control over.  

The other thing he mentioned which I thought was quite interesting, is that he actually thinks my migraines are playing a role in my events.  It makes sense that when the migraines got worse, the seizures got worse.  When I hit my head during seizures, the migraines would be almost unbearable for the time afterwards along with the increased seizures.  It was a constant vicious cycle.  Every time I do have an event, even today, I will get a worsening migraine after.  To the point that I'm losing my vision and I wasn't sure what it was from.  Dr Jeffery said that because of the nature of my head injuries, that it has put me in a state of status migrainosus, which is essentially a state of constant migraine that doesn't go away.  He believes that the tension in my head is actually triggering my events  He thinks my head injuries have played a significant role in the frequency of my events, and wants me to start on these supplements to hopefully help the migraines and thus decrease the seizing.  He suggested I take NAC: N-Acetyl L-Cysteine which is an amino acid that we don't get enough of in our food that is good to help with head injuries.  I will also be on magnesium and vitamin D3 to help with the migraines as well.  There is a monthly shot I will be doing called Emgality that is apparently working wonders in the migraine communities so be in prayer that insurance will cover it after the appeal since it cost's $1,100/mo!  

So we're slowly but surely making progress and figuring things out.  Coming up with a plan.  And understanding my own disorder better.  I haven't even had a seizure in 19 hours.  Thank the Lord for that!  As I was leaving the hospital this afternoon for Lord willing the last time in a very long time, I had so much more peace.  Just knowing is half the battle.  Knowing what I have and understanding how it works in regards to my own body.  To have had such incredible and caring doctors over the last six weeks especially, has made such a difference and has ministered to my heart, knowing that God placed them individually into my life to show me that He was still there even in those dark days.  God works in mysterious ways, lemme tell you that!  Even though I've been writing this for the past 3 hours with what feels like a jackhammer banging around in my head, struggling to see the words on this page, I am so grateful for the faithfulness of God.  I have spent the majority of the month of April in a hospital bed, but God was present.  I know that for a fact.  And to have Someone you can trust with your life...now that's a big deal.  

"He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." -Psalm 16:8

In His Arms,

Olivia Lodi

Worry

We are currently in a season of pure chaos and panic right now.  Some people don't believe there is anything to worry about, some people think the world is ending.  And some people don't even know what to think.  But with this new Corona virus, it has caused sure havoc among many people.

I spoke to a friend about it the other day, and was just telling him how sad I am at what this panic is doing to people.  Many are losing their jobs because stores are shutting down to prevent the spread of this virus.  No one knows how long this is going to last, and no one knows what to do.  It grieved me to see so many people hurting both physically and financially. 

But then, my friend told me about the good things that are coming out of this pandemic.  More believers are able to speak freely about Christ.  People are coming together and helping each other.  Friendships are being built.  The gospel is going forth.  Abortion clinics are being shut down, saving the lives of countless babies.  Really good things are happening.

To be honest, all I could see was the bad.  I hadn't seen the good until my friend pointed it out.  Because listen, the tendency is to worry.  To be filled with fear.  To focus on the negative things.  Today I even felt sick to my stomach because of how scared I was...not of the virus itself but because of how people have been responding to it.  To the point that I thought I might puke. 

But then God put a reminder on my heart of a verse in the Bible that says, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34  It's a verse I grew up hearing, but only now am really understanding the true meaning of it.  It's essentially telling us to not worry about the future, because it doesn't help anything, and because we should know that God will provide for us just like He provides for the sparrows.  Everything WILL work out in God's timing. 

Plus the Lord promises to watch over you...in fact He says it five times in Psalm 121.  Just listen to these words and let it flood over your soul filling you with Peace...

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains --

where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD, 

the maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip --

He who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, He who watches over Israel 

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you --

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm -- 

He will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming 

and going

both now and forevermore.

Ahh!  What beautiful words.  In a time of chaos we can find peace.  We can rest in knowing that He will take care of us and provide what we need.  We don't have to worry about tomorrow...because God has already taken care of tomorrow before we even experienced it.  So I would encourage you to not fear but to find your peace and comfort in Him.  To look back at God's faithfulness in the storms.  To bask in His goodness.  To just focus on today, and the here and now.  And keep pressing on.

In His Arms,

Olivia Lodi

Pain

From what I can remember, my life has almost always been filled with pain in some form or another.  Whether it be physical pain, or emotional pain, it's always been part of me.  I have struggled to accept the way God planned my life, because I never understood why God would allow so much pain and suffering to come upon myself and those around me.  I hurt too much.  I've always felt like it was more than I could bear and been frustrated with why God thought I could handle it.

It wasn't until yesterday as I was journaling that it dawned on me that I never looked at pain the right way.  First of all, God talks in the Bible about how there will be pain and suffering in this world and to not be surprised when we go through trials. In 1 Peter 4:12-13 he says this,

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed."

John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."

I don't know why I've never put two and two together.  God TELLS us that it's going to happen...so why am I shocked that I'm going through hard painful trials?  None of the Believers in the Bible had it easy either so why would I be any different?  David was in hiding and had people trying to kill him but he knew.  "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."  Psalm 119:71  Moses was stranded in a desert and was never able to enter the promise land, yet he still followed God.  Job endured some of the most horrific of trials but he stood firm in his faith and trusted God even though his friends told him to do otherwise.  "At least I can take comfort in this: despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One."  Job 6:10  Paul was put in prison, was stoned, was shipwrecked, and many other things, but that never stopped him from sharing the Good News of Christ.  God knew that there would be suffering and affliction.  And He told us it was going to happen.

But He didn't leave us to suffer on our own.  He gave us hope to look to when we go through pain and hardship.  He made us promises.

"A righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:19

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

"And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."  1 Corinthians 4:8-9

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

God Himself is with us in our suffering.  When it feels like it's too much to bear, that's because it is.  That is when we are supposed to lean on Christ and take His yoke upon ourselves for His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  He IS our only hope.  Sometimes He is all we have, and yet He is all we need. 

Pain is also part of the fall.  It is normal to experience pain because sin has cursed the Earth and suffering is a side effect of sin.  It shouldn't be a surprise to us when we encounter hurt and affliction because that is something that is a part of our world due to the fall.

Pain is a good thing.  If we didn't go through pain, we wouldn't appreciate healing and relief.  If we didn't experience pain, we wouldn't know that something was wrong and would continue damaging ourselves as a result. 

As I journaled on my computer, I almost started writing..."I don't understand why God thinks it's okay for me to go through this much suffering."  But I soon realized how selfish that was.  First of all, God warned us that we would encounter hardships and that going through life wouldn't be easy.  Second of all, God promised that He would be with us in our storm and that He would deliver us from it.  That suffering would grow us.  That pain would cause us to turn our eyes to Him.  Third of all, God Himself experienced pain.  In fact He went through the most excruciating pain imaginable...both physically and emotionally.  And He did it so that way I could have life and have it abundantly.

"For Christ suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.  He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit." 1 Peter 3:18

"He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.  Like one from whom people hide their faces He was despised, and we held Him in low esteem."  Isaiah 53:3

He understands my pain.  He knows what it's like to go through suffering, to an even greater extent then I can fathom and I can rest in Him knowing that He understands.

And lastly, trials and affliction make heaven all the more exciting.  As a believer, I have something to look forward to, a hope that one day things will be new.  The pain will be gone.  I will be rejoicing and dancing with the Father.  Death will no longer be part of life, but rather life will be restored. 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  Revelation 21:4

There is hope. 

Pain is part of life.  Suffering grows us.  Hardship makes us turn to Christ.  And God is there in the midst of it all.  He is there empathizing with you.  He is restoring you.  He will deliver you.  That doesn't make suffering easy to handle, but it at least gives us a hope to hold on to.

So as I sit here in constant horrible pain and hurting emotionally, I can only look to Jesus for help and comfort.  I can only cry out to the One who understands suffering.  And to be honest it's easier said then done, but I'm trying.  I need Him.  I have nothing left in me.  I can no longer do this on my own.  My hope is that with this new found realization of hardship, that it will gradually change my perspective on pain and that my trust in Him will grow.  And may this show you that pain is a part of life, and something that you can only bear with help from the Father.  Something that Christ Himself is acquainted with.  May you look at the end of the finish line, running with hope that one day all things will become new, that pain and death will pass away, and that you will be sitting at the feet of Jesus.

                                                                 In His Arms,
                                                              Olivia Grace  

Coping and Mental Illness

TRIGGER WARNING: contains graphic images and mild blood

I went to The Porch yesterday at Watermark church and the message was on what we do to cope.  It was very difficult to get through the sermon because of all the memories I was having during that time.  It actually caused me to have a bit of a panic attack.  But none the less it was still very good and needed to be heard. 

Most if not all of us have struggles or traumas in our past that we have pushed deep down, and are using or doing things to cope and numb our feelings.  It hurts too much to deal and process.  So we try other ways to numb the pain.  To forget what we went through.  To hide from reality.

So what are some of the coping methods?  Well, some people do drugs.  Others mask their problems with medication.  Some use pornography.  Others use social media.  Some people do self harm.  Others struggle with eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia.  And the list goes on and on.  Most people think yeah it's not the best idea to be doing this, but they don't realize the seriousness of their problem. 

There are three points that were made last night that addresses coping problems.  The first point is Admit.  You have to admit that there is an issue or struggle or trauma before you can do anything.  And that healing, requires revealing.  In order to begin the healing process you have to reveal what the problem is deep down.  You have to face it. 

The second point is Allow others in.  Telling people what happened to you, or what you're struggling with is a huge and necessary step.  You need support as you walk through this.  You need people around you who can speak truth into your life.  Because when you know the truth, you are able to identify the lies.  You are not meant to carry this burden alone.  That is when the body of Christ steps in to help you as you admit your problem, process, grieve, and come out restored on the other side.  Because God is in the business of restoration!  He wants to see you restored.  Freed from the coping methods that are hurting you more. 

The third point is Address the root.  Finding out what deep down is hurting you more than ever will allow you to face it and process through what happened.  It may be a memory from your childhood.  Your parents divorce.  A feeling that you'll never get that desired approval from your mom and dad that you've always wanted.  It could be a death of a friend or family member that rocked your world.  Maybe you were taken advantage of or abused.  A church you grew up in that was manipulative and emotionally scarring.  It could be anything.  But address the problem and process through it.  Processing with a counselor or a friend will help you heal from it.  And always remember that you can run to Jesus!  He is the ultimate healer and restorer of your life.  Talk to Him about it and find rest in His Spirit.  Stop walking around hurt, wounded, and limping, and start admitting, processing, and healing.  We ARE the image of Christ!  Wouldn't it be better to walk around with true radiant joy, shining the light of Jesus, and showering God's desire for healing and restoration around the world?

Now is the hard part for me.  I am going to admit my coping problem to my readers in attempts to heal from it.  And in hopes that I can show that people who struggle with this that they are not alone.  Because of things that happened in my childhood until now, I've dealt with coping and numbing by self harm.  I did it pretty consistently for about a month a few years ago, and had eventually got a tattoo over the scars as a reminder of what I went through and who I was in Christ.  A warrior.  It wasn't until this past December that I started dealing with it again.  Between not being able to work at my job because of an injury, to feeling depressed and alone, to having a friend and family member pass away, to being in constant pain and having to do physical therapy...it all added up and was too much for me. 

So I resorted to doing self harm. 

Cutting was a way to be in control of something and to relieve the mental pain I was in.  It was my way of distracting myself.  Even now it's a struggle not to do it and I am working with a counselor to try and process through things to get to a point where I don't feel like I "have" to do it.  It's hard.  And it's been a secret from most of the world since it all started in December.  It's something I hide.  But now after hearing that message last night, and having a panic attack because of the memories, I've felt like it's something I needed to admit.  Something that I need accountability for.  As you can see, I've already been in the hospital for an infection...and yet somehow I still have the desire to cut.

It is not an easy thing to go through trauma, PTSD, and constant struggle and process through it all.  In fact it's one of the hardest things to face.  And I wish it wasn't so difficult.  I wish healing came easy, but it most definitely doesn't.  But as I try and process through what happened in the past, and try to find healthier ways to cope while I try a heal, I hope that you too will look at your life, admit what the problem is, allow others into your life, and address the root of the issue.  I hope that through Christ and His plan you will find healing and restoration.  That you too will become free from a life of coping in ways that hurt you more.  That in His grace and mercy you will be filled with the joy of Him Who created joy.  And may you be filled with a hope you can't deny, and a peace you can't contain.

                                                                     In His Arms,
                                                                    Olivia Grace 

Decisions of a Lifetime

Watermark Church 01/21/2020

Decisions.  What kind are you making?  Good ones?  Bad ones?  Did you know that EVERY decision you make impacts your life?  Every single choice will either reap negative fruit or positive fruit.  And all decisions you make come with a cost.

Something I thought about as I heard this was a few very poor decisions I made not too long ago.  It impacted my friends.  It impacted my family.  It impacted myself.  It was decisions that I had made without thinking of the consequences.  Sure I was struggling mentally, and it made sense that I would choose that path, but it was a destructive one.  Two decisions that impacted my lifetime.  That produced a negative fruit.  It is now part of my story.  In fact every decision you make ends up being part of your life story.

So are you writing a story that you want to look back on?

We definitely make mistakes.  We're bound to.  It's part of the fall.  But it is our job to surrender DAILY at the cross of Jesus and pray for God's help to make better choices.  To make good decisions that will impact our future.  If you think oh I'll do that later, I like where I'm at...NO.  You need to get serious about God NOW.  Don't wait to surrender.  Don't wait to make good decisions.  Don't wait to ask God for help.  Do it today.

Recently I've actually been growing in Christ.  My physical situation has laid me before the Lord crying out for help.  Right now I actually enjoy reading scripture verses that friends send to me.  I enjoy listening to podcasts on the armor of God.  I enjoy going to church and learning new things in the Word of God.  I enjoy watching as God speaks to me and feeling His presence looking over me.  I now can't wait to hear from God.  I can't wait to grow more.  And I cry every time!  Whereas before, even three months ago, I was not in a place anywhere near that.  It was always a burden to try and hear from God.  I tried to do things mainly on my own.  I didn't really care about the Bible and didn't even think to look things up.  But now it's different.

And mind you, I'm not totally engrossed in the Word of God or anything.  I am wanting to grow more.  But the desire that God has placed on my heart has been for Him, and I am very grateful for that.  It's really refreshing to be growing in Christ!  Slowly but surely God has been showing me areas of my life that need to be changed.  Or showing me ways that I can grow.  Always convicting.  This is a positive fruit that I am noticing in my life.  And it's encouraging.

THIS my friends is my desire for all my decisions to go.  To be full of Jesus and Him only.  But it's not easy.  It's very difficult especially since we are sin filled people.  However, it IS possible if we surrender at the feet of Jesus every single day, and really think before we make a decision.  Look into your life and rid yourself of anything toxic or harmful for you.  Get rid of the things that are making you stumble.  Cry out to God for help and wisdom...and He WILL answer you.  Make good decisions that impact your lifetime.

I thought this was interesting.  Apparently the word "fool" in the Bible means someone who is still walking in sin when they know it's wrong, or someone who thinks that they are an "exception" to the sin.  Let me warn you, DO NOT BE A FOOL!  Don't be unwise in your decision making.  Don't give in to sin.  Sin easily entraps and snares.  My friend, don't be a fool.

Instead pray for positive fruit.  The seeds that you sow in your life will grow and produce fruit... it will reap a harvest.  So what kind of fruit are you harvesting?

Let me end this blog post with a verse from Galatians:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the
proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give
up."  --Galatians 6:9

                                                                    In His Arms,
                                                                       Olivia Grace

Prayer in faith

Prayer is a hard thing for me.  And frankly, I rarely pray.  When I do, it's always a "shock".  I've had a bad experience with prayer and have been afraid to participate in that kind of communication with God, because He might not listen...or so I thought. 

Recently, I actually did pray for something in my personal life and saw the answer to that prayer later on.  I was dumbfounded.  God used that to show me that He is listening; that He does care.  I still have fears that can sometimes be irrational, but my experience in seeing a response put some of that fear in the trash.  I can't explain well enough how that changed my perspective on prayer.

Growing up, I was a believer with pure childlike faith.  I knew how to pray and did so often, though I was also taught the wrong way in ministry.  I tried so hard to be in tune to Gods will and have faith.  There were a lot of prayers I prayed that were not answered like I thought they would, which frustrated me to no end because I blamed myself.  I believed that I was somehow not in tune with God's will, and therefore was somehow less of a Christian because of it.  However, I don't think I  understood what faith really meant.  I thought it meant belief that what I asked was going to happen...but I don't think prayer works that way. 

               faith
               complete trust or confidence in someone or something

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I personally believe praying in faith means praying with confidence in the person of God.  Praying with confidence that the person (God) will answer according to what He believes is fitting for us.  Believing and trusting in the Godhead, the Trinity, knowing that His plan is only the best, is the only option for us.  You can't have faith in the thing that you are asking for, no matter how Christ centered you believe you're being...unless it is written in God's story for your life, you can't expect it to happen.  But believing and trusting in the Writer of your story...that's when you know you have confidence in the right thing.

I'm not perfect and I still don't fully understand how prayer works, but I'm learning.  I'm in no way saying you should stop praying for things, because I mean God specifically says to ask, seek, and knock!  Just make sure you have faith in the person not the prayer.  And remember that He will answer according to His will.  Remember that prayer is just a conversation with your Creator.  It's like talking to your best friend.  And it's a beautiful and incredible privilege to get to talk with the same person who Created the entire universe!  How special and undeserving are we. 

                                                                  In His Arms,
                                                            Olivia Grace